Gary Bettman is a weasel. I’m starting to have doubts about Donald Fehr and his brother Rocco too.

Danica Patrick is becoming that crazy psychotic girlfriend you had in college who demanded that you attend all the cool parties, then proceeded to get shit-faced drunk, wanted to kick all the other girls’ asses for ‘flirting’ with you, then wanted to kick all the guys’ asses for calling her a bitch. Next stop, passed out in the backseat of your car while you desperately try to decide whether to take her home and take advantage of the situation or just dump her in the river.

The UCI stripping Lance Armstrong of his titles, saying he “has no place in cycling”, is like the KKK excommunicating a member for using the “N” word.

A soccer fan in Cyprus tosses an explosive on the green trying to prove that a fallen player was just faking it. I need to find out who this fan is and invite him out for a steak and whisky dinner. You are my hero dude.

The MLB Championship Series is well under way, but who gives a shit? I don’t.

That’s all I can handle right now. You fuckers are on your own.

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Aside  —  Posted: October 22, 2012 in Uncategorized
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I’m sitting here watching the Denver Broncos play a shoddy game against the Houston Texans, and still my mind turns to hockey. The two sides are set to meet again this coming week, the first time since the lockout was enacted two weeks ago. Profit sharing, salary cap, contracts, rules, none of these are scheduled to be discussed. What will they be talking about? Last year’s revenue. What? You heard me. Last year’s revenue. I suppose it could be a warmup for discussing profit sharing, but really? As a fan, I don’t like this. Nothing is happening. Does nobody else understand this? Training camp is a wash. Pre-season games through the end of the month, cancelled. NHL players are raining down on European leagues, signing contracts just about anywhere for the chance to play the game they love. Fans like me are looking elsewhere for our hockey fix. I’ve read and heard many fans saying that this is the end of the road for them. I’m not sure I believe them all, but for any fan to say that they are done with a sport is a bad sign. The NHL has grown tremendously since the 04-05 lockout, and that ground is in danger of being lost. There are more than a few teams that are teetering on the brink as it is. They can’t afford to lose any more fans.

So here’s my advice to the owners: Get your shit together you motherfucking greedy bastards! If this season gets lost completely you will do more damage to your bottom lines than any bad deal you can imagine. You are losing fans, and fans are the life-blood of the sport. Without them, you are done. Finished.

Now, both sides of this candy-assed drama, sit down, figure it out, and LET’S PLAY HOCKEY DAMMIT!

Bettman, you’re a weasel.

Well, the posturing is in full effect now. Both sides seem to be saying that the puck  is on the other’s ice. The NHLPA merely wants to make changes to the NHL’s last offer, but the NHL has said that talks won’t resume until the NHLPA is ready to make a full counter-offer.  And may the odds be ever in your favor. Yes, I just made a Hunger Games reference.

“Maybe the strategy was to get the world mad at us because (we’ve said) there’s going to be a lockout (without a new deal by Sept. 15),” said NHL Commissioner Gary ‘The Weasel’ Bettman. Um Gary, I’m pretty sure the world already hates you. Have you not heard the boos everytime you take to the ice? No? I guess the sound of the cash raining down on you drowns it out. Be careful Weasel, the NHL has been growing in popularity in leaps and bounds lately, you don’t really want to go down this road do you? Bagels Gary, offer them bagels. Seriously. You just don’t understand the power of bagels.

I guess in the meantime I will be checking out tickets for the Denver Cutthroats. There is even a team in Cheyenne, WY now. If that doesn’t say something about the popularity of hockey right now. The Cheyenne Stampede may be graced by my presence at more than a few games this year.

I really think that the players hold the cards this time around. If the owners aren’t very careful they may just unravel all that has been achieved by the league over the last several years.

Well, things are finally happening in the CBA talks, and it’s not good news. Things were very quiet after the NHL owners made their initial offer consisting mainly of a huge reduction in revenue to the players. The NHLPA has made their counter offer, and it was rejected whole heartedly. Some are wondering if the latest proposal was even actually read, or just shit-canned sight unseen.

I’m blaming this on a lack of bagels being provided. Bagels played a huge role in negotiating the previous CBA. Back then Brian Burke was Chief Bagel Officer. This time around bagels haven’t been mentioned. A week ago the idea of croissants was being tossed around quite a bit, but lately even that idea has been set aside. Personally I feel without a solid food base to build on these talks could be doomed. But then again, last time even bagels couldn’t save the season.

September 15th is less than a month away. If a solid food item doesn’t become a foundation of these talks, well, I just don’t want to think about it. I’m very close to buying a ticket to Toronto and offering my expertise in the field. Perhaps vats of Buffalo Wings and barrels of whisky would get the ball rolling. Otherwise, get geared up for minor league coverage. I’m lucky in that I have a few very good farm teams in my area. This could be a boom for them.

Gary Bettman is a weasel.

Well, apparently the CBA talks are underway. Haven’t heard much about them so far. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad. The League has made an initial offer, and it was pretty anemic. Of course the NHL offer included a reduction in revenue to the players. We expected that. They want to reduce revenue earnings from 57% to 46%. Ok, typical buyer. Plenty of negotiating room there.

Raising the length of years to becoming a UFA was also tabled, from 7 years to 10. A smart move on the part of The League. Players won’t be happy about it, but it could be a solid negotiating tool.

The last major part of the offer would be to limit long-term contracts and extend rookie contracts. The League wants to limit long-term contracts to five years. Not a good idea in my mind. We already have lost so much team loyalty, shortening contracts would kill it. However, I’m in agreement with extending rookie contracts to five years. I’m not a fan of of the current trend of pushing young players directly into the NHL. Longer rookie contracts would lesson the pressure to do this and make an incentive to leave young guys in the farm leagues to refine their skills.

So that’s it so far, really. Still waiting for the first counter offer from the NHLPA. And as far as this reporter knows a Chief Bagel Officer has yet to be named.

Oh yeah. Bettman is a Weasel.

ImageWell, did I call it or what? The New Jersey Devils (Colorado Rockies) will meet the Los Angeles Kings in the Stanley Cup Finals. East Coast vs West Coast. I see this one going seven games. Let’s take a look at the matchups, shall we?

Offense:

Adam Henrique, Zach Parise and Ilya Kovalchuk are on a tear for the Devils. Parise and Kovalchuk each have seven goals in the playoffs and Kovalchuk leads the team with 18 playoff points. Henrique turned on the afterburners in the series against the Rangers. Offense has not been much of a problem in New Jersey. They play fast, hit hard and have laser accurate shots. The downside is Travis Zajac, who seems to have lost something. A lack of confidence is not something you want going into the finals. Hopefully he will pull out of it and shine again.

Out in Lala Land, the Kings appear to be a steamroller that appeared out of nowhere. What really can be said about their offense that hasn’t already been said? Reading down the lineup of forwards there isn’t a single one that hasn’t had a big impact in the playoffs. Not all are top scorers, but those that aren’t have been impeccable in shutting down other teams.

Defense:

The Devils started out rather hit or miss on defense. Consistency hasn’t been their strong suit. They have pulled together lately though. Shutting down the Rangers is not an easy task, but the Devils managed to do it in a number of games. My feeling is that they’re only going to improve in the Finals. Not many household names on the Devil’s D, but they are playing solid.

The Kings are another team without big-name defensemen, but that is changing fast. Drew Doughty is my breakout player of the year. This guy is on fire and in my opinion has been the best offensive defenseman in the playoffs.

Goalies:

Martin Brodeur. Need I say more? Many say that he is the best goalie ever to play the game. My vote goes to Patrick Roy, but Marty is a close second. I had feared that he was done. His numbers have fallen off in recent years and I really thought that he had lost his edge. This playoff season has changed my mind on that. He may not be playing his best game, but at 40 years old he is definitely good enough to bring home The Cup one more time.

Jonathon Quick fought his way into the Elite List of NHL goalies last year. He is the reason the Kings are in the playoffs. He could reach the top of the world if he continues to play like he has been. Quick could win the Stanley Cup for LA.

So on paper, it looks like the Kings are the favored team. This disappoints me. Of course, paper is for candyasses. Los Angeles will not, can not, win The Cup. It goes against everything that is sacred in my world. I do think it will be a very exciting and hard fought battle. In the end though, I’m saying the New Jersey Devils will win Lord Stanley’s cup in 7 games.

Oh, and Bettman is a weasel.

BARBARIAN HOCKEY!

Just some early morning ranting on a day that will soon sacrifice the sun for the enjoyment of the human population.

The world is fast approaching it’s apocalyptical end, and still hockey seems to be the center of my world. I can’t handle a Cup win by LA. I just can’t. It would appear that they’re at least headed to the finals though. My champions, one by one, have fallen by the wayside. The Avs didn’t even make the playoffs. I tried to stay in the Western Conference, but couldn’t decide between St. Louis or San Jose (for you, Jimbo). St. Louis decided that question for me in the first round as they rolled over the Sharks. Ok, so St. Louis. I’ve always had a little piece of my heart stashed away for the Blues. Not sure why. I detest southern hockey, but something makes me like the Blues. Grant Fuhr may have had something to do with it, I dunno. So along come the Kings and that dream is over. Dammit. I guess I’m going to have to fall back on my old standby, the New Jersey Devils. Shit. They will always be the Colorado Rockies in my heart. Plus, I hate the Rangers almost as much as I hate LA. Go Devils.

Oh, and the current CBA expires when the season does. Thinking about it makes my skin crawl. It should provide some inspiration here though. The last round of talks that basically killed the 04-05 season pretty much got me started on this odd little sidetrack that some may call journalism and many may call a pile of shit. Brian Burke was the NHL Chief Bagel Officer. Priceless sound bites there, my friends. Hopefully this time around will provide as many stories to spread to the public without the pain of losing another season. We all know what happens when lawyers are involved though.

Oh, and Bettman is a weasel.

On a side note, my friend Ken has been experimenting with mind altering drugs, again. You can read about it here.

So there you have it. Pretty mellow shit coming from The Gut. I know. It’s just a beautiful morning and I’m happy. Someone will fuck it up soon though, I’m sure.

Aside  —  Posted: May 20, 2012 in Hockey
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This is getting almost comical. One would think that after booing the US national anthem and the whole incredulous brouha over the Chara/Pacioretty incident things couldn’t get any more ridiculous in the land of the Rouge Bleu et Blanc. But hold on there Cowboy!! You ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Have you heard the latest? The Canadiens fired franco-coach Alain Vigneault and hired former NHLer Randy Cunneyworth. What’s the problem you say? That’s what a lot of NHL fans are asking. In fact almost every fan of every NHL team is asking that. Except, of course, Habs fans. The problem appears to be simply that Cunneyworth doesn’t speak French. Montreal is in an uproar. The Culture Minister has spoken out about the situation. Protests are planned at various Canadiens games. All because the interim coach doesn’t speak French. Seriously!! This could be the guy that could turn the season around for the Hapless Habs and finally get them to The Cup. Maybe not, but still. They don’t like him because HE DOESN’T SPEAK FRENCH!!

Cunneyworth himself has stepped up and declared that he is quite willing to learn the language. Nope, not good enough. Not a native Quebecer, no coach for you!! If something like this happened here in the states the shouts of racism would reverberate throughout the land.

Personally, I think Quebecers, and Habs fans in particular, are a bunch of whiny, candyassed pussies that need to grow the hell up. This is hockey Goddammit!! You wanna fucking cry because the coach doesn’t speak french? You don’t deserve hockey in Montreal. Crybabies. Candyassed crybabies. That’s all you are. Any respect that I might have still held for Habs fans has just been dashed. I am officially 100% anti-Montreal from this point on. I am going to rip you to shreds. GAME ON!!!

This was going to be a rant about two college football games being delayed and/or called because of RAIN, but while doing a little research for that story I came across this one.

It started with a simple quote from Mr. Pastorini that caught my eye. He said simply, “Fuck Drew Brees.” “What’s this?” I thought. What could cause a former NFL great to be so angry with one of today’s bright stars? Was he caught in a photo at a club drunk and mashing on hotties like the eternal douchebag Jeff Reed, former 49er and current Seahawks kicker? Nope. Did Drew say something derogatory about Dano’s playing ability? Nope. What could it be?

Drew Brees basically said that former NFL players should have been wiser with their earnings and not pissed it all away on mansions, ex-wives, booze, and drugs. Here’s his quote:

“There’s some guys out there that have made bad business decisions,” Brees said then. “They took their pensions early because they never went out and got a job. They’ve had a couple divorces and they’re making payments to this place and that place. And that’s why they don’t have money. And they’re coming to us to basically say, ‘Please make up for my bad judgment.’ In that case, that’s not our fault as players.”

In case you don’t know, Dan Pastorini is crying about his money situation, saying that he just doesn’t get enough from the NFL pension to pay his bills. This is a response to the fact that the current player’s association was able to procure a $620 million expansion to the NFLPA’s ‘Legacy Fund‘ for players who retired prior to 1993. That’s $620,000,000. Pastorini himself gets an additional $1000 per month from this. And he’s pissed about it.

“I’m going to get an extra $1,000 a month. Big fucking deal,” the 62-year-old Pastorini told CBSSports.com recently. “I think it’s a travesty the way they treat the older players. I’m part of that group. They’re throwing us a bone with the $620 million. By the time they get to a new CBA after 10 years, they won’t have to worry about us pre-93er’s. It’s sad, but it’s their M.O. They want to wait for us to die.”

You fucking candyass. You are what makes me sick about the entire “entitlement” culture that exists here in the US. You feel that because you pissed away your cash while you were playing and did absolutely nothing to plan for your future that someone somehow owes you? Fuck you Dan. Fuck you. You sit there and whine about your starting contract of $25,000. Did you know that the average, AVERAGE, wage in 1971 was $6,497.08? So let’s see, that’s roughly 1/4 of your starting salary. That means that fresh out of college you were making 4 times the national average salary. Fuck dude, how’d you make it?

Then, Fuckwit Pastorini has the balls to question how former NFLPA Executive Director and now deceased Gene Upshaw was able to leave his wife $15 mil when he passed away. Maybe Dano, just maybe, Gene did something with his life after he retired as a player and eventually became the EXECUTIVE FUCKING DIRECTOR OF THE NFLPA! Ya think? Pastorini slyly makes it sound like the NFLPA and Gene Upshaw were personally screwing him out of money. What a dick!

You chose to play football Dan. Apparently all you saw were the bright lights and the fame. You’re going to cry about only getting a $1000 a month raise? Let me go ask one the of dozens of homeless bastards that I see on the streets of Denver when I visit there how they’d feel about a $1000 a month raise. You need perspective Dan. Maybe you lost it in one of those dozen concussions you claim you had while you were playing the game. Maybe you need to go talk to one of thousands of Viet Nam vets that our government screws on a daily basis. Maybe you need to go talk to some poor West Virginia coal miner about busting your ass every day of your life, not just for 8 years Dan, and ask him how a $1000 a month raise would suit him.

Dan Pastorini, you are a brain damaged, egotistical, whiny candyass, and you make me sick.

FUCK YOU DAN PASTORINI!!

Palermo forward Renaldo Senzapene was given a harsh tongue lashing by his coach and Europa League officials Saturday after he played an entire football game without faking an injury. Europa League spokesman Zakila Gabe was visibly upset as he spoke at a news conference after the game.

“This is unacceptable.” Gabe said, his voice shaking with rage. “This goes against the philosophy of not only League Europa, but also the football community around the world. For a player to disgrace the game of football in this manner…Well, it just disgusts me!”

Palermo coach Ember Szeretet also pulled no punches in talking about Senzapene’s actions. “This is not how we want our players to conduct themselves on the field. We practice these things over and over. I don’t know where he got the idea that he could play in this manner.”

When asked about possible punishment coming Senzapene’s way resulting from his actions Gabe remained vague, but did say that it could range anywhere from a one game suspension to execution. “This is a serious infraction of league rules. A message must be sent that this type of play will not be tolerated.”

In his own defense Senzapene merely stated that he really got into the game and thought that he had plenty of time left to get in at least one fake injury.